INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba