INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
You Might Also Like
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.