Interviewer : What are your expectations? Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job? Me : Salary

@Dawn_M_: I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

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@AdamBroud: [Truth or Dare] Her: What's your biggest secret? Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of 'em

1

@InternetHippo: “Are you on linked in?” Me (lying): yes “Are you on Twitter?” Me (lying): no

1

@birbigs: A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

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@jergarl: My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is "DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR"

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