@david8hughes: [fluffing Pillow] Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

@LisaFarted: The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.

@hipchkk: Packing my daughter's prom kit...lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I've uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

@jharden21: Me as a news anchor: an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

@cashbonez: [A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]