Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.