INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!