INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I have many caverns
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Wednesday
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.