INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
me, too, girl. me, too.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.