INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…