interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
twitter users today:
Spring cleaning checklist…
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know