interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
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another case of gang violins
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep