If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
so this horse walks into a bar
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no