INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
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People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
This is enough internet for the day.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles