INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
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Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.