Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model