INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
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My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Please do it!
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I was very concerned with my Grandma today