Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
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Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*