Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
excuse me
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words