INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.