INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?