BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
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“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
2 years later
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
War & Peace
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.