“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
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[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
good for her
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
just pretend nothing happened
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person