“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
This was my dad’s browser history.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.