Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
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GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.