Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
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When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
crazy
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.