9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.