My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.