Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
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Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Time heals everything 🙂
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.