Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
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No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
i smell a pulitzer
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.