Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
is this a warning or an offer?