Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
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The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous