Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
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ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
nice challenge
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
why I oughta
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Spell check is for lasers.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like