Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.