Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
You Might Also Like
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?