INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.