INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”