The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
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I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.