catch me on valentine’s day like
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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
what my late-night hot pocket sees