INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
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My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.