INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Lucky for them, they’re cute
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere