Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.