Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I never needed anything more in my life
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.