I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
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I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.