Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Name this drama.