Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
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Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
it is time once again
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.