Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.