Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
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The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
it was a valiant fight
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.