Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
You better watch out
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”