Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
What about a To-Don’t List?
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal