Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
NOT all policemen are strippers.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?