INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)