INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?