INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
is this meant to deter me
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!