INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me after 1 airport cocktail: